Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
🤣🤣🤣
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh