There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
You Might Also Like
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Sharon I have some bad news
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?