How many games did you play already?馃槄
#chessmeme
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14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don鈥檛 understand what I鈥檓 looking at.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
let鈥檚 hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we鈥檙e scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There鈥檚 a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I believe this with my whole heart 馃拃馃
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I put the mess in domestic.