Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
So creative 😂
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.