Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*