I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really