Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,