I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
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My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.