If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
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When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Breaking news:
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her