In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
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INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon