guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full