ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
You Might Also Like
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Happy Taco Tuesday
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Basically.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang