That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
guys i’ve cracked the code
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
So that’s what we looked like?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.