i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
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shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
that wasn’t the question
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My love language is deader than Latin
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.