[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
All generalizations are stupid.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*