In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
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I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.