You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
You Might Also Like
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad