humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
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Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers