It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.