[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!