I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
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This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Ha.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.