Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*