Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”