Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
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Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.