Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
The photographer’s assistant
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
*pronounces fake like saké*
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.