How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.