[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
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Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Hmmmmm
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
*looks at you in batman voice*
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development