Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
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As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”