Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
October already? What’s next? November????
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.