Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories