[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?