Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
May never get over this
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*