Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”