[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.