I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
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Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
we all know this pain all too well
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.