{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
bias laundering edition
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going