GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
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If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”