My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
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Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.