No chill.
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
me opening up to someone
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD