Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.