*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
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Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention