“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
This is my pinned tweet
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”