“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.