Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
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Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*pokes sex life with a stick
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato