Good boy 😂😂
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Always
buying dead houseplants to save time
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Does your wife know you’re single?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”