If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)