Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
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Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.