No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
What the hell happened here.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.