MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
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19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Here’s a meme
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..