Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
That was easy.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed